What did you say?

I’m not writing this blog for sympathy or anything like that. I’m simply writing this because I want to.

I need to.

You see a few days ago I woke up to a normal day, said my gratitude (to the bed for helping me have

a good nights sleep, to my husband who was on his way with a cup of tea to me and to my Angels for

the day ahead). The hustle & bustle of getting 4 children ready for school, checking PE kits, lunches

etc. – basically, for a lot of us, the normal start to a day.

Then both my husband and I had an encounter with someone who we deemed as a friend, who

wasn’t nasty or mean or horrible but the tone of his voice and what he said really shook both of us

up for most of the day.

Now it wasn’t a long conversation, nor was it heated it was perhaps said in a more impatient tone

with a subtle jag that didn’t feel subtle to either myself or my husband. For most people it probably

wouldn’t even have been an issue, “water off a ducks back” perhaps, but this day it really annoyed

both of us. We asked each other, “what did he say?” quite a few times.

We chatted about it briefly before the clock ticked onto half past and we had to get the boys

gathered up and off to school. We said goodbye and solemnly went on our way.

I took the younger boys to school and then decided to go on my morning walk. I thought I’d just

walk the short way but my legs had other ideas turning left and heading up the long route.

As I walked I felt angry, annoyed, irritated at the short conversation just 20 minutes beforehand. I

put in my earphones and listened to local radio, knowing that my favourite presenter was on & he

might cheer me up. I walked quicker and quicker with each song he played on the radio and felt

myself welling up. My heart pounded, I wanted to cry, scream or lie down somewhere where no

one would be able to see me.

All of these emotions surfaced from a very short 3 minute conversation yet they had a huge impact

on both me and my husband.

I had felt this feeling a few years ago and I didn’t quite understand it at the time. It bubbles up from

the depths, it grabs hold of your ankles like a slippery, black, skeletal hand and tries its best to drag

you down to the depths. It holds you so tight and tugs and pulls constantly, it feeds your mind with

questions such as, “why did he say that”, “you are not good enough”, “you brought this on yourself”,

“its your fault he said that, you shouldn’t have asked him the question”.

As I walked quicker and quicker trying to take my mind off the tugging sensation, the questions and

comments spun around in my head like a waltzer that wouldn’t stop. Then a song came on the

radio. I decided to sing along with the song instead. The song that was played had the lyrics, “cause

the players gonna play, play, play, play, play & the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Baby

I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake I shake it off, I shake it off”.

Right there, that was it.

I decided to hold my head up high instead of looking at the ground as I walked.

I decided to look at the nature, the sea, the cliffs beside me, in front of me.

I decided to NOT go down that deep, dark, uninviting hole that I’d been in before (although I knew

how easy it would be to slip in there quietly for a few days, or a few weeks. But I also knew how

difficult it is to clamber back out of it.) Quite frankly I felt that I wouldn’t have the strength to

clamber out for a long, long time so I decided not to go in.

I decided to “shake it off”.

Now I had a dilemma all of my own. I wasn’t going to let that conversation ruin my day. I wasn’t

going to let that conversation ruin my walk. I liked this walk and sure as hell he wasn’t going to make

me think that conversation over every time I tread that particular footpath. Instead I have now

named that footpath the turning point. (Ok it turns right onto the next road I need to walk but it also

helped me turn a corner, make a decision that I am proud of).

I am proud that I felt those feelings. I felt the hurt, the anger, even to some extent a little bitterness

which in turn made me feel awful. I felt these feelings deeply, so deeply that even after all my self

care, my daily gratitude’s, prayers and meditations these feelings still rocked me to my core.

However, I didn’t let them define me.

I talked to myself in my head. “You are enough”. “You are worthy”. I repeated these affirmations

for almost 5 minutes on my walk before bumping into a friend and stopping for a quick chat. I was

actually dreading talking to this friend because I didn’t feel in the mood to talk. It was a brief

conversation and pleasant enough, although she seemed much more stressed than me & I wished

her well as she walked on. I hoped that if she got to the turning point she would feel less stressed

too.

I kept walking, I kept up my affirmations. I kept up the mindfulness of the sea, the birds, the sights,

sounds and smells. I decided that when I got home I would do a 10 minute meditation, self heal &

cord cutting of the mornings events and not to allow myself to be sucked into that horrible, dark

place.

The rest of the day went fairly well. My husband came home and we chatted about the

conversation that had annoyed both of us, with him agreeing that it took him until almost lunch time

“to shake it off”. I smiled to myself and thanked the Angels for sending me that song. I knew I

needed it at that time and it really helped me.

So I just want to say this.

Be careful what you say.

Be careful HOW you say things.

Today I am quite sure that the person in question most probably didn’t mean his words to have that

impact on me or my husband, however, they were said.

They were said in that tone and they can’t be taken back.

I am proud that I was able to keep myself from falling into the depths but I also understand that its

not easy. I understand how much easier it would’ve been to just slip down, hide away and cry for

days or weeks at a time. When I’ve slipped into those moments I still function on some sort of level.

I still get up, get dressed, get the children to school. I still make meals and take them to sports. But I

know I am less patient, I get frustrated and angry quicker. I don’t give my full loving self to my

children or my husband, I don’t focus on their little wins or the amazing picture they might’ve have

drawn for me and that in turn is a nasty wheel to get on, as I constantly feel bad for not feeling good.

I get it.

I also know how much hard work I’ve put in to enable me to get to the point where I now know the

feelings and I can take a step back from the all consuming, dark feeling that tries to grab you before

you can comprehend what has happened.

I am proud that I could step back, feel the feelings and decide that I didn’t like that. I am proud that

I walked a bit longer, cheered myself on, encouraged myself and know that I am enough. I am

worthy.

Years of self care, ups and downs, Reiki therapy, practice and principals and starting to actually

believe in myself has helped me, not only stay out of that hole but has enabled me to write to you. I

can’t promise I won’t fall in at some stage but I can promise you that I will fight to stay out as best I

can.

If my ramblings help just one of you today, I am a happy woman. I am forever grateful to my

wonderful husband who is so supportive of me, and my beautiful children who always find some

funny fart joke to laugh at and to my Angels for throwing those signs at me all the time, and

doubling their efforts when I need it most. Why don’t you repeat the affirmations to yourself today?

I am enough.

I am worthy.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you xxx

Jacqui Dickson

Reiki Therapy with Jacqui